Having a circle of close friends is one of the great joys of life. These are the people you love spending time with, who build you up when times are difficult, and who share your joys when times are good. Longtime friends have shared memories and stories that you all treasure. They provide a sounding board when you just need someone to listen—and you are happy to return the favor. And they are the people for whom you would drop everything if they needed your help in an emergency. Friends, as the saying goes, are the family you get to choose.
But maybe you have a person or two in your life whom you might refer to as “friends” in casual conversation, but who are not, in fact, all that friendly. Maybe they are constantly putting you down or telling jokes at your expense. Maybe they talk about you behind your back or make you feel guilty for not spending more time with them. Maybe they encourage you to drink too much or to experiment with drugs.
Maybe you have noticed that you always feel worse rather than better after spending time with these “friends.” That is a good sign you are in a toxic relationship. And for the sake of your mental health—and of your sobriety if you are in recovery from a substance use disorder—it is important that you take steps to end that relationship.
Tamping Down the Toxicity
We should note here that when we talk about toxic relationships, we are talking about the people in your life who consistently make you feel bad or who encourage you to do things that are not in your best interest. We are not talking about your true friends with whom you have the occasional disagreement or who have hurt your feelings in one way or another. No relationship is perfect, but you probably have a clear idea of who your true friends are as opposed to the people whose presence in your life is significantly more negative than positive.
All of that is to say: We are decidedly not recommending you end your relationships with your tried and true friends just because you have hit a rough patch. Your true friends, after all, will be as eager as you are to patch things up.
But the toxic people in your life, sadly, probably take some degree of satisfaction in tearing you down. It might make them feel better about themselves or make them feel powerful or in control. These are the people who never offer you support, never offer you grace, and who can never be counted on when the chips are down—but who are more than happy to point out your supposed flaws or to try to draw you into drug or alcohol use or other dangerous behaviors.
Taking the Anti-Toxicity Steps for Success
The solution to a toxic relationship is easy to identify but can be hard to accomplish. You need to put an end to all contact with the person who is having a negative effect on your mental health or on your efforts to maintain your sobriety—or both.
The first step may be to have an honest conversation with the toxic individual that lets them know you no longer wish to interact with them. Because the person is unlikely to take this news well, it might be a good idea to take someone with you to witness the conversation. That person can provide you with support and help extricate you from the situation if things turn ugly. Remember, if the talk is likely to threaten your equilibrium or your sobriety, you are under no obligation to provide an explanation for why you are ending the relationship.
You will need to block the toxic person from all your social media accounts and from your phone. You do not want to give them a platform to harangue you via comments on your posts or through text messages or voicemails.
And you will need to inform your friends and family members who may know the person in question that you will no longer participate in activities with that person or engage in conversation about them. This may be hard for everyone at first, but setting this boundary is extremely important. It is not about making your friends choose between you and your antagonist; it is about making sure you do what’s best for yourself.
While you will not want to spend time and energy talking about the toxic person with your friends or family, there is an appropriate person with whom to process the emotions you are likely feeling and the challenges you are facing. That person is, of course, your therapist who can suggest coping strategies that will help you maintain your resolve to keep toxic people out of your life.
Remember Not to Isolate Yourself
Ending a toxic relationship is important. It is equally important to maintain strong ties with your true friends and supportive family members. Fending off loneliness and forging connections is good for your mental health and/or your sobriety. So don’t let a negative experience with a person who doesn’t have your best interests in mind cause you to give up the meaningful connections and experiences that come from spending time with steadfast friends.
Build a Good Relationship with Peak View Behavioral Health
If you are struggling with a mental health disorder, a substance use disorder, or both, it is time to make a positive change in your life. At Peak View Behavioral Health, we will listen to you and then personalize a treatment plan specifically for you. Even if toxic people in your life have been telling you that things will never get better or that you do not deserve more happiness and contentment, we are here to demonstrate that the opposite is true.
