Often, the most challenging component of any recovery journey is taking the first step. Sometimes, the first step can occur only after a caring individual holds a figurative mirror up to the reality of the addictive situation.
It may feel harsh or uncomfortable to be the one “holding up the mirror,” but it also could be an opportunity for a struggling loved one to finally self-reflect and acknowledge unhealthy patterns. It could be the gentle nudge they need to begin to heal.
Though speaking to your loved one may not look like an emotionally-freeing, romanticized, sitcom-version of an “intervention,” it always requires a combination of bravery, trust, strength, and encouragement. That you have even considered approaching someone you love about their addictive behavior speaks to both the strength of your character and your love for them.
How to Talk with a Loved one About Getting Treatment
But how in the world do you start talking to someone you love about their addiction?
Establish a healthy frame of mind:
Before involving anyone else in the conversation, actively remove your “super-hero cape.” You are not here to fix, and you are not this person’s “savior.” Recognize that you cannot do the following:
- Control the outcome of the conversation
- Make the loved one stop drinking or taking drugs
Prepare your approach:
Recognize that you can only speak to your concerns about the individual’s behavior, express support, and encourage them to seek professional help if needed. Acknowledge that your loved may be in severe emotional pain, and understand that their behavior is not about you. Conduct research ahead of time to be well-educated on the nature of addiction and specifically where, when, and how the loved one can seek professional help if needed.
As much as possible, attend to your own wounds or pain around this area on your own so as to not bring them into the conversation. Additionally, try to develop a calm, positive emotional state beforehand to create a nurturing space within which to have the conversation. Practicing rhythmic breathing, mindfulness techniques, or stretching can help calm the mind and center yourself to prepare for a potentially challenging discussion.
Think of this as an opportunity to tune in to what’s really going on with your loved one (beneath the substance abuse): this is not a time to dominate the conversation, but rather to really listen.
Plan your words:
Start Your Recovery offers helpful phrasing to discuss your concerns. Consider opening with one of these lines if you don’t know where to start.
- I wanted to check in with you because you haven’t seemed yourself lately.
- I’ve noticed you’ve been acting differently lately, and I’m wondering how you’re doing.
- I’ve been worried about you lately.
- I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking a lot lately, and I’m wondering how you’re doing.
- I’ve noticed you’ve been using [insert drug name], and I’m worried about you.
What Not to Do:
- Threaten, lecture, or guilt-trip. These tactics tend to push the loved one farther away, reaffirm negative self-talk, and minimize the reality of their struggle.
- Make the situation about you. Your loved one’s behavioral patterns do not mean they love or care about you any less or that they do not wish to recover. You are also not responsible for their behavior or recovery. You will need to focus on your own well-being and allow them to work through their recovery when they are ready to do so.
- Speak to someone when they are under the influence. This will impede any rational, authentic dialogue from occurring and typically only escalates the problem further.
Peak View Behavioral Health will offer the help you need to get started supporting a loved one. For further assistance or to simply discuss the situation you are in with a confidential source, please call an admissions counselor at Peak View.
